||[16 May 2005|12:42am]
I have sat here, Tried everything to release my feelings, Went back, Looked through photos, Everything. And, I am feeling a little better.
I'm going to start from the beginning, For those I have talked to, and for joseph.
As everyone knows, Me and joseph have been dating for a pretty long time. We met on August 9, 2005, And Before that we were online friends. I would get online to talk to him while he was working on his photo things, and He would always be having a problem or whatever, He'd talk to me. And, He helped me realize my boyfriend of the time, Making out with Teddy bears isnt normal. Heh.
So, I have alot going on at the time personally as well, Well, Then to fast forward some, He started to date my friend Michelle, and I had plans to see a movie with Michelle one night, Keeping in mind, Me and Joseph were still online buddies, But, I didnt think anything of going to the movies with the two of them, Okay, I lied, I had a huge online crush on him, I thought everything about him was so cool, and He was everything I ever wanted in someone. His beliefs and everything down to how serious he was about his work, Just everything. I'm telling you..This kid was just plain awesome.
So, I spend FOREVER getting ready and from what he says, I did a good job. And..To fast forward a little more, I met him thatnight. First he came by to pick me up, I glance over in the Winsheild to see the silhouette outlining of someone I thought was really alot different looking and person, and I glanced at Michelle. I got in the backseat, And BAM, Like a ton of bricks, I try to make small talk to not look like an idiot, But fuck..He was so god damn beautiful. I couldnt help but just keep looking at him, Just everything..And then we went to Brians house, and, Things were weird because I was third wheelin it. And, I don't remember much from that time, Except when we went down into this little room of Brians to play video games, and Fuck..He came over and sat on me. hah. Makes me laugh my head off thinking about it. I was just a little school girl. I had such a crush.
And, The night just progressed and it was one thing after another, We would go outside and talk about things. And, I mean, Amazing conversations, That I will never forget. And, even right now, Im so lost in even thinking about this moment, That I feel like I'm right there again, I just lose myself in it. And then, (I'm going to fast forward alot), I got online when I got home,and I wanted more than anything for him to sign on, and he did...
And, I can say, with pure honesty, I had the greatest conversation of my life.
paintitwithlight: i feel really close to
you.. or that there is some weird bond
between us.. almost like you
understand me.. haha i dunno maybe
im just crazy.. or maybe its because
we used to talk like every night
paintitwithlight: you can be as blunt
with me as you want.. what are you
trying to say
youlovetolietome: I LIKE YOU.
paintitwithlight: well i like you too
paintitwithlight: a lot
youlovetolietome: *blushes like mad*
And then, It started. We started to hang out. And, Wow, When we first started, Everyday was like a new adventure, We just couldn't spend enough time with one another, Oh, The joy of first kisses..First everything..He even taught me how to use chopsticks. and even to this day, He makes me laugh at any time, Like no other could. We are so natural with one another, its sickening and that first night proved the fuck out of that statement. The mere fact that someone even half as beautiful as that angel..could have any interest in me..goddamn..He's so amazing..He really is an angel to me.
Okay, Sure it sounds perfect and blah blah.
But it went wrong, ok..I hurt him really bad. I lied to him alot, and did alot of things that seem beyond all stupidity to this day. It seemed that way at the time. But I swear to all of you, It was the biggest mistake of my life, and my reasoning for it, Although true, I know means nothing.
But then things, Just picked right back up..And, I met his parents. His mother, Is the most Beautiful woman I have ever met in my life, and the sweetest woman any of you could ever meet. She just has such a love for her son, It's something I'm not used to, and He is so lucky. I love her..I really do.
God, One of my greatest memories with him, We went to jacksonville, And we went to these one girls house. Gwynne or something. I don't know, It was so cold, and such a special night..I think about it always.
No one understands why I feel the way I feel, and You all tell me I should give up. The memories I have had with him, You wouldnt want to give up either. The feelings I get when it comes to him. I know he felt them to.
When I was in Alabama this last time and everything started..I couldnt think about much because it hurt too bad, But when I sat and thought, the one thing that makes me happier then anything, is the feeling of when he smiles. I have been so deprived of it, and It kills me. He has a smile that could stop the world.
I wasnt lying.. :]
I just light up and beam like no tomorrow when I see that picture. Do you know why hes happy there?..Anyone.
Because he was taking amazing photos, and He was doing what he does best. He is the most passionate boy in this world about what he does, whether he shows it or not, It is his life. There is nothing more appealing than that. From the moment I met him, He had ambition like no one else, and So do I.
Im sitting here thinking, and I remember the first time I heard his voice. Oh, Holy fuck..His voice..God, It stops my heart..It did right then, I swear my heart didnt beat for 3 seconds. Oh god, So beautiful. Even today when He answered the phone when I called him earlier, I just couldnt breathe for a second..There is no one more beautiful than him.
I remember how, I would never answer the phone when he called, and make up excuses not to talk to him.haha. I was so scared.haha.
And, I was supposed to go to Horse! and he was there,hahaha. and I didnt go.
This all sounds perfect, does it not?
Now, Our relationship has been reduced to him not wanting to see me, Me crying my head off, Wanting to cut the shit out of myself until I bleed to death, and just nothing is right.
I know I love him so much, Fuck, Do I ever..Even remembering all these things I forgot, I think about him so differently, It gives me so much hope that I know this will work. We've gotten through bigger things than this.
Fuck, I have a huge smile on my face writing this, Because all of this stuff I forgot, Makes me just remember everythign I felt. and, I mean,
He does love me. He has loved me.
Baby, Just remember all of this..Remember me putting my hand on your leg at the sushi place and you ordering your miso soup and rice and being so damn cute..So damn beautiful.
And, seeing Napoleon Dynamite a hundred times and laughing our asses off. Or!, When I fell asleep over there for the first time, When we were "moving". Even things more recent..Like, When you worked so hard that one night, Lit all the candles, and we had nick and britnee, and Mike W, In the livingroom, and you said all those sweet things to me, and we had an amazing night even though it was one in the morning..
And, I do, I have a confession. I swore to myself, Id neevr bring this up..But the night you wrote me that email, and I cried harder than I have ever cried ever.
This says everything I have been trying to tell you all day. Why don't you just remember..this is what Im saying...
you a picture, that was taken specifically for
It doesnt look like anything special.. But stare
it.. for 5 minutes straight.. You will know
I am feeling right now.. We speak different
languages.. We will just have to learn
So.. start staring.. and feel what I feel.. You
see that picture anywhere else.. I deleted it off
my phone already.. Its going to be issue 1 of
I love you more than anything...
Babe, I see something else everytime I stare at it. We do speak different languages..We know this, and we must adapt, I know you do love me..And that's why Ive stopped crying, thats why I'm smiling right this second, I need you to just remember, Our love can get us through anything, All the photos of us, You being a photo person knows, they all tell a story..or have some special meaning..Just take a look..Remember what all of them meant...
Where we were when we snapped them..What we did before, and after..I want you to think Im beautiful again, I want you to want me, I was talking to someone tonight, He told me to tell you I wanted to be friends and if I really had that much faith in this relationship, that We would be back together. I do not see the point in putting myself through misery, Just to prove a point I can make while we're still together. I want to help you, I want you to find me appealing and special, I want you to want to kiss me so hard, I want you to want to hug the fucking life out of me. I cannot deal with the fact i'm only going to see you for a short while tomorrow, I want you to want to see me every chance we have, and then I want you to have fun with your friends. How can you forget everything we have been through, And I know you've forgotten alot because if you didn't you wouldnt be acting this way.
The one time we went to jacksonville, We walked out into the woods, and out onto this pier that was so long..That lives to be the most beautiful memory I have..I mean, you probably don't even remember.
I need you to want to talk to me, Include me. I know I'm not the prettiest, Or..Sometimes even smartest, But I can love you like no one else, and we are seeing everything bad that has happened, But, Our relationship has not been all bad. This isn't over.
No one can make memories like us. I want to fix this and keep making them.
I promise, I don't care how long it takes to fix this but, I need to see you smile like I am right now, After remembering all this, Feel the hope I have, and know even though we're having alot of problems and even if it doesnt work out, Youre going to try your hardest. Youre going to talk to me, Youre going to try and see in me what you once saw..
Im sure I can be happy without you one day, But Im telling you, Not nearly as happy as you make me daily. NO matter how mad, Frustrated anything..Just to know I have you, and when you kiss me..God...You are truly different, and have made me see everything so differently.
I have neglected alot of thoughts, and feelings, I once had, But, Just remember even the things I didn't include in here..Our times with Gator, How your dad wants to build boats, How we used to talk until 8 am, Interpol..Please, Don't be stupid. Push things aside for ONE second, Look behind this curtain of shit, And see how things could be..How they were...Its so worth trying for.
If you read this tonight, Please, Respond. Comment. Ill keep it screened. Please, Come over tomorrow, I have plenty more to say to you.
You are my angel, Youre my baby, Youre the most beautiful..Youre..Unbelieveable. and, I need you to stay..We lost track, and we can get back on, Its not too late.
This is barely scratching the surface, But just think about all of this, and we'll talk.
This is us. This is beauty. This is happiness.
Us being apart isn't.
For the record, I still love this pic.
By the way, The person that told us to just be friends read this, and thinks we're the cutest most in love couple he's ever seen..
ArroyoJwill: tell him to shut up and be happy
ArroyoJwill: you are beautiful on the out side .. that I knew from your pics
ArroyoJwill: you are gorgeous on the inside that I know from talking to you
ArroyoJwill: if he loses you he's the one who lost not you
ArroyoJwill: trust me you may feel like it would have been you but you are what everyman who is decent wants in their life
People have faith,babe.